Harry Potter and the Less-Stupid Marriage Law
by ssfr
Summary: Read one too many marriage law 'fics. This is total silliness, of course.


Harry Potter And the Less-Stupid Marriage Law.

Started this in a fit of enthusiasm.

May continue it eventually, but it might be a while . . .

-HP&tLSML-

Harry rubs his face, looks at the paper between his thumb and index finger with one eye, and his middle and ring finger with the other, "Is this as dumb as it seems?" he asks.

"No, that was the one they tried to pass last month. Waking up in a big circle-jerk managed to convince them that choosing spouses for people would decrease the wizarding population further," Luna smiles over the breakfast table, "This is all voluntary, through tax incentives and regulatory changes."

"It says they passed it," Hermione says, looking over the table at her friend.

"Yep. Get married within a year from next month, or pay a tax. Get married within a year of turning seventeen or graduating, whichever comes later, or pay a tax. Refundable tax breaks for marrying. Refundable tax breaks per person you marry. Refundable tax breaks per child born to your marriage."

"Any limits? Gender, age, blood status?"

"Um, have to be at least eleven, have to have parent or guardian's permission if you're under 17, refundable tax break for spouses of different blood statuses."

"Consanguinity?"

"Not a problem for marriage, should be avoided for children."

"So," Harry says, "Everyone at this table," he waves his hand down the Gryffindor table, "Could get married," he pauses, "All together, into one family, and it'd be legal."

"Yep," Luna says, "I can see several people who's parents wouldn't let them, but," she shrugs, "Oh, and the drawbacks. Divorce is a lot easier, and strict community property means that anyone leaving a marriage gets an even share."

"I'm in," Harry says, "My opening bid is the Potter estate and Black fortune, and the first born is a Potter."

"Second born," Luna and Hermione start at the same time.

Luna gestures to Hermione.

Hermione nods, "Second born is a Granger."

"Third born is a Black," Luna says.

"Can I throw my name in?" Neville asks, "I'm not into blokes, but it'd still be fucking awesome to have you in my family."

"The more the marrier," Harry carefully mispronounces.

Hermione groans and Luna laughs.

"Fourth born is a Longbottom."

Fred and George, who have been commuting to redo their N.E.W.T. year, pipe up, "Fifth born is a Weasley." says Fred.

"Sixth born is a Johnson," says George.

"Everyone needs enough attention, or this is gonna blow the fuck up," Harry says, "So everyone needs to have at least two other people who'll cuddle, cosset, and have sex with them, or we'll have to find them someone who will."

"But we don't have to have sex with anyone we don't want to, right?" Lavender asks, from further down the table.

"Nope."

Lavender looks into Parvati's eyes, and says "Seventh born is a Patil."

Parvati nods, "Eighth born is a Brown."

"Ninth born is a Potter," Ginny says, looking at the table. Luna slings an arm around her shoulders, and gives her a kiss on the cheek. Ginny smiles and looks up.

"Tenth born is a Warren," Myrtle says, impinging on both Harry and Hermione.

Harry nods, leans up to give her a kiss on the cheek.

Hermione looks shifty a moment, then kisses Myrtle's other cheek. "Do we get a tax break for a ghost?" she asks Luna.

"No, but a ghost is very handy to have anyway. Do you have any idea how we'd get you a wedding band?"

"No, not really," Myrtle says, cringing a little.

"We'll just have to figure it out, then," Luna says, before leaning over the table and giving the ghost a light peck on her lips. She smiles, breaks the kiss, "Minty."

Everyone but Harry, Hermione, and Luna are now giving Myrtle speculative looks. Myrtle smiles and blushes at the attention.

Ron is scowling at the table, looks up, looks at Harry, looks back at the table, bites his lip, and scowls some more.

A pretty redhead shoves in between Ginny and Ron, "Bones and Abbot," she says. The blonde behind her puts a hand on her shoulder and nods.

A pretty blonde and a brunette drag a black-haired girl over, "Greengrass, Davis, and Parkinson."

Harry looks to Luna, who says, "Parkinson if she can give up being an asshole all the time. The other two are fine."

Harry shrugs, looks around the table, gets a couple nods and a bunch of shrugs.

"Zabini," the young man says, shrugs diffidently, "We have a bit of money, a good import business, and my mother keeps choosing husbands who die on her."

Harry looks around the table, again, a couple nods and a bunch of shrugs. He gestures to the table.

"Wow, you've got all the pretty birds, Harry," Seamus says, unintentionally insulting most of the girls at Hogwarts, and tanking his chances for at least weeks.

"I think the birds have got me," Harry says.

"Can I join?"

"Anybody want this bloke?" Harry asks, quite unintentionally killing Seamus's chances with an ax.

Put on the spot, everyone shrugs.

"Guess you need to find some other people to marry."

"Vane," Romilda says, looking down, nibbling her lip cutely.

She was pretty as a third-year, too, but Harry's opinion of her is still tainted by listening to Ron moan about her after poisoning himself with love-potioned chocolate cauldrons.

Harry shakes his head, and several others do too.

Her face falls, and she looks like she's going to cry.

Harry looks about quickly, and blurts out, "Ron's single."

Romilda brightens, and Ron shoots Harry the most distressed and betrayed look Harry has ever seen from him.

Harry shrugs, "She is very pretty."

Romilda nods enthusiastically to this, and tilts Ron's head back by his ears. His eyes get wide, and his lips part in shock before Romilda leans forward and kisses him soundly, taking advantage of his open lips. And his shock at her cleavage brushing his forehead. His eyes roll back, and he goes completely limp.

The not nearly as tall as Hagrid girl behind Vane taps her on the shoulder, "Bulstrode."

Romilda straightens, braces Ron's limp head against her hip as she turns, and rests an index finger across the corner of her lip while she looks the taller, bustier, curvier girl up and down, before smiling, tilting her head up, and pursing her lips. Millicent leans down for the requested kiss, and a few moments later, muffled under catcalls from across the dining hall, Ron's head clumps, forgotten, against the floor. He doesn't wake up, but he's still breathing, and not bleeding, so Harry doesn't worry about it.

"Lupin and Lupin, and we already have a baby," Tonks says, ruffling Harry's hair.

"Does that mean we'd need to rename him as a Potter?" Harry asks Luna.

She takes a moment to stroke her chin, the way Obi-Wan Kenobi stroked his beard, "He is the firstborn, if they marry in."

Tonks is giving Remus inhumanly good puppy eyes, "Please?"

"OK," Remus sighs.

"And we all get to call you Nymphadora," Luna says.

Tonks frowns, rubs her nose a moment, "Deal."

"That's eighteen, are we going for twenty?" Hermione asks, "Nineteen, or twenty-one?"

"Twenty-three," Luna says, after a little more time stroking her non-existent beard. She pulls her wand from behind her ear, and jabs it five times, saying, "Expecto Patronum," each time. Five misty, glowing lagomorphs prowl in front of her, gnashing their terrible teeth, showing their horrible claws, and rolling their terrible eyes, "Harry Potter needs you at Hogwarts," she tells them, and they streak off, gone in a flash.

"That's one way to choose them," Hermione says.

"I chose one for you, too."

Breakfast is over, but no one leaves the great hall. After a bit, Snape mutters something that sounds an awful lot like "Piss in a bottle," and stalks from the room. About half the students, and Hagrid, follow.

It is a good twenty more minutes before a flushed, sweaty, disheveled, and altogether, Hermione admitted to herself, fascinating Cho Chang stops, gasping, next to Harry, "You called?"

"Well, Luna called, but we're planning to get married. You want to join?"

"Please?" Myrtle sighs, clasping her hands to her bosom and fluttering her eyelashes.

"Uh, sure?" Cho asks.

"Have a seat, we're waiting on four more, apparently."

"Oh, that's what's going on," Lillith, Lily, Moon says, plopping into Hermione's lap, "You should have told me we were getting married."

"What were you reading this time?" Hermione asks, still surprised by the other girl's ability to pass classes, despite her bibliomania eating all of her time, free or not.

"Heinlein again. My copy of Sassinak was missing. Have you seen it?"

"Not since I gave it back to you."

"Sigh," the girl says, rather than actually sighing.

Cho blinks, "Who is that? I've never seen her before."

"Hermione's Moon. She pulled As on all eleven O.W.L.s," Luna says.

"And she's taking N.E.W.T. classes."

"Maybe?"

Alicia Spinnet walks in hand-in-hand with Angelina Johnson, and sit down by the Weasley twins when they wave.

"You are getting married with us, right?" George asks them.

They are, quite reasonably, a little confused.

"New marriage law, tax breaks for larger families, wanna join?" Luna's voice rises with creepy enthusiasm on the last two words.

"No PacMan, drugs are bad," Angelina answers. Only Alicia and Luna laugh.

"Sure, sounds good," Alicia answers.

Xiomara walks in, hobnails clattering on the stone flooring, broom over her shoulder, "You called?" she asks Luna.

"Wanna get married?"

The middle-aged woman's eyes scan over the table, noting the attentive and appreciative eyes on her, "Haven't been married in decades, why not."

She looks over the group a little more, "Six men, seventeen women?"

"Eh," Luna makes a wishy-washy motion with her hand, "A little man goes a long way."

Several people blink, and a couple groan.

"If we need more men we can marry them later, I think this will work out just fine."

-HP&tLSML-

Lily gently leads Hermione to her room. Hermione looks around the room, a single somewhere in Ravenclaw tower, and wonders, again, how she got her own room.

Lily plops down on her bed, still holding Hermione's hand, and tries to pull her into the person, small person, at that, sized clearing in the books.

Hermione, with a bit of concentration and a wave of her wand, puts bookmarks in all the open books, and stacks all the books neatly on the floor.

Lily pouts, "Now I'll have to find them all again."

"If you put them away in the first place," Hermione starts.

"Where? I'm quite out of shelf space, and that's with taking all the library books back as soon as I'm done with them."

Hermione shrugs, unwilling to admit that Lily has a point, all four walls having shelves from the floor to the 14 foot ceiling.

"Sit down," Lily tugs again, then stands, grabs Hermione by the shoulders, and shoves her back onto the bed, straddling the taller girl's waist, pale blonde hair curtaining the two of them as she smiles down into Hermione's brown eyes.

"So," Hermione's a little breathless, husky, "What are you going to do with me, now that you have me captured?"

"I hope to ravish you."

"Really? And if I don't want to be ravished?"

"Then I shall be sorely disappointed, kick you out of the room, and console myself with hot dog buns."

"Well, I wouldn't want that to happen. I suppose I shall be ravished, then."

Lily smiles, and leans down, blue eyes mostly on Hermione's, with an occasional glance at Hermione's lips.

Hermione leans up and kisses her.

.l.

"I need you to want it too, a baby with green eyes and honey-colored hair, growing beneath my heart," Lily pants up at Hermione.

"Here?" Hermione asks, stroking the other girl's tummy.

"Yes, there. Hogwarts has the strongest contraceptive wards available. It takes two exceptionally strong people, two exceptionally strong intents," she grabs Hermione by the hair, pulls her down, kisses her fiercely, writhing beneath her, "To override them."

"You'd be pregnant during your N.E.W.T.s," Hermione says, staring into her fiancée's dark blue eyes, panting.

"That's fine, if she's our daughter, and she knows we love her, and you show me you love me every day," Lily says, punctuating each clause with a roll of her hips.

Hermione leans down to kiss Lily as she tries to think about it rationally.

She fails, "I'll make love to you every night," she gasps, sliding her thigh, "I'll cuddle you every day," she plants kisses against Lily's throat, "Our baby will know she is loved before she is even born," she wraps her hands under Lily's shoulders, pulling her against her, "I want you to grow our baby, beneath your heart, in your pretty tummy."

.l.

Hermione wakes, still wrapped in Lily's arms and legs, salty, sticky, tired, with complaining muscles that she'd never realized could be sore. She opens her eyes to find Lily watching her, a soft smile on her face that turns, almost instantly into a happy grin.

Lily gives her a squeeze, clenching Hermione tight with her arms and legs, "I love you."

Hermione smiles back, a little more hesitant, "I love you, too," she says, hugging the girl beneath her.

"You're getting lucky this morning," rolling them over and sitting back, looking into Hermione's eyes, "Unless you don't want to?"

Hermione pulls her eyes back up from her fiancée's breasts, "I want to. What time is it?"

Lily glances at her window, "We'd have to be quick to make breakfast."

"After a shower?"

"No, just to make breakfast."

Hermione moans, disappointed. "Let's see how quick of a shower we can share."

Lily laughs at her.

-HP&tLSML-

"So," Lily says, again from Hermione's lap, as breakfast finishes, "I'm going to get As on eleven N.E.W.T.s, then I want to stay home, read books, and play with babies. I'll probably have to guard the house occasionally."

Hermione nods at this, and a few of the others look startled.

"You," she pokes Hermione, "Want to get Os on seven N.E.W.T.s, then work hard to learn new and fascinating things."

Hermione nods again.

"You four," she points at Fred, George, Alicia, and Angelina, "Have a successful shop you're running."

Angelina nods.

"You," she points at Harry, "Want to stay home, play with babies, teach babies, wives, and husbands how to protect themselves, and never have to fight anyone ever again. You'll be on call to do it anyway."

Harry nods, "Sounds like it."

"Lupin's unemployed again, but the curse on the defense job's broken, so maybe?" she shrugs a bit, "Tonks is an Auror, so she'll have work forever."

She rocks her head from side to side, then looks at Luna, "You also never want to fight again, but you'll stay ready anyway. Zabini and Hooch will go adventuring with you if you ask."

Luna nods, looking thoughtful.

"You," she turns to Ginny, "Need to get laid. Badly. Ask Luna."

Ginny blushes so hard she actually glows. Luna pulls her into a hug, the red glow from Ginny's cheeks doing interesting things to Luna's white blouse.

"The rest of you? I don't know well enough yet."

-HP&tLSML-

log:

21 Jan 2018: Started

13 Jul 2018: posted to ff.n


End file.
